There was a period in my life where I spent countless hours in my backyard staring into my fire pit, listening to podcasts, watching videos, reading articles and books, gazing into the vast night sky, lost in existential wonderings. What started as casual inquiry became an internal quest for the following few years. I've told much of the story in previous posts, so I'm not here to rehash all the details. Moreso, I'm thinking these days more about the catalyst. At any given time, most of us would probably say we are aware of our intentions — here's why I did this, here's why that happened. At the time, I think "a passionate pursuit of what's true" would have been my answer.
Being in nature and its vast beauty with only what I could carry in a pack brought a sense of wonder, contentment, and joy that needed very little to sustain it. The backwoods camping trip to Yellowstone showed me something I can't unsee. We create systems that require all sorts of foundations to stand up. I'll be happy when: I earn a certain amount of money, my family looks a certain way, I achieve xyz-fitness goal, I have this type of house and car, and so on. We work and work, trading our time for money in the early days then trading our money for more time as we age and enter into our last years. I was reminded of this reality just this week as I pushed coins into a parking meter. Money for time, time for money.
In the back of the used book was a note with the words "CT scan, suite 210." I can't help but imagine what was happening in the life of the person who held these pages before me. Was this forgotten bookmark an indication of a battle I know nothing about? For you non-medical folks like myself, a CT scan is used to create detailed images of structures in the body. From damaged bones to extreme cancers, the CT scan is how we see what's going on inside. Was this person potentially finding out life-changing news? Had they been diagnosed with something that would challenge everything within them? I can only imagine, but given the context of the book I bought, I do wonder...
I felt something in my soul prompt me. Not a voice, not an audible instruction, just a gentle nudging. "Tell her how you feel." I had briefly seen my mom earlier in the day and realized something I appreciated about her but never acknowledged. I pulled out my phone and typed a quick message. I didn't think much about it at the time. Immediately, I got a response, "I cannot believe the timing." She then went on to explain the incredible coincidence of what I said and what she had been thinking about. I sat with misty eyes at the beauty of the magic of intertwined lives.
Do you ever experience coincidences that stop you in your tracks? The pastor on the podcast explained the text would be from Deuteronomy. I turned it up and pulled directly behind a car with a tag that read "DEUT28." A minute later the pastor said, "We'll be looking at chapter 28 today." He had my attention. I'm not going to rehash the whole sermon, but I do want to share the core of the message that followed as I drove home and has stuck in my mind to this day. We have lived a long time with the idea of blessings and curses. There is an unspoken economy in our souls: do right and be blessed, do wrong and be cursed. Moses went into great detail in the Torah to explain the system of blessings and curses.
I remember the first time I prayed for something that wasn't answered. I was four years old. I saw a green Power Ranger watch at the mall. In my mind, there was nothing I needed more. As I went to sleep that night I closed my eyes and prayed it would be under my pillow the next morning, in true tooth fairy fashion. I don't recall the exact case I made before God, but I felt strongly enough to remember this twenty-five years later. It's no surprise the watch was not under my pillow the next morning. It's a good thing I didn't express to my parents how badly I wanted it. A moment of generosity on their part might have reinforced some strange notions about prayer at that point in my development.
It was 9:00pm on a Sunday night. Our group project was due the next morning. For weeks I'd waited on one particular member's part. After asking repeatedly, I completed his portion for him and submitted the project. What did I do when he texted me at the last minute to say he was at the library and was going to work all night to do his part? I told him to go for it. I let him work all night, even though the project had long been completed. In my mind he deserved to slave all night to complete a project I already had to finish myself. Go ahead—waste an entire night working hard for nothing. It was justice in my mind.
What are you truly convicted about? I'm not talking about what rules or obligations you feel like you should uphold to be a good person. I'm talking about at your core, what are genuinely convicted about? I was listening to a podcast with a guy who interviews hundreds of new candidates a year for jobs. One of his main questions is what I just asked you. He said he can learn a lot very quickly about a person. Most people, he claims, don't have a great answer. I think we all have a script we can upload, based on our upbringing, our experiences, our religious affiliation. When you sift past the easy answers, though, what do you find?
I have never met an inspiring person who had an easy life. Think about that. Who is someone you look up to? Were they given everything? Did their achievement and character come without hard work? Sacrifice? Suffering? I would venture to say if someone has the ability to pull at your heartstrings, it's because they struggled. I think the animating force behind any group that thrives is the idea that you are not alone. You aren't the only one going through this. Someone has been there before. Someone is there for you now. It's why I love our international sales meetings that happen twice a year.
Love God and love your neighbor—Jesus made it pretty simple. He didn't make it easy, though. Loving God includes having faith, which is confidence in things hoped for and the assurance of things unseen. And guess who our "neighbor" includes? Our enemies, too. Simple, not easy. At times they almost seem like impossible things—faith and enemy loving, that is. Believing in the midst of tragedy that God is working for your good can almost feel like a bad joke. Forgiving someone who hasn't asked nor feels any remorse for their wrongdoing can feel downright counterintuitive, even unjust.
Follow Up
