Something stopped me and told me to change him. I put all my stuff down, knowing my other kids were in the car, and I changed his bottom. I powdered him up, rubbed down his chest and gave him a hug and kiss. I told him I love him, and he gave me the biggest smile. I went to the party. Later, Returning home, I turned onto the road and pulled behind an ambulance going to my house. Minutes before we made it home, one of my twin 4 month old boys, Baby Cash, passed away of SIDS.
The next morning my sister had to bathe me. I was too delirious and weak. I leaned against the sink after I stepped from the tub and cried. My sister left the room to get something. I was so heartbroken and pained. I felt the warmest hand on my shoulder. Even totally in shock and pain, I remember thinking how large and masculine my sister's hands were, but boy did I feel the love in the touch. I turned to thank her, but there was no one there.
A few days after Cash's service, I woke up very suddenly remembering the picture my daughter Sophie drew. I tore the house apart until I found it. When I held it in my hands I burst into tears, made myself a pot of coffee, and waited for Sophie to wake up. When she came down that morning I held the picture out to her; not making a big deal out of it, trying to prompt a casual answer from her. I said "Sophie, who is this picture you drew?" She said "Oh, mommy, He had ouwies on his hands and feet. I said "Where did you see him?" Sophie pointed up and said "Up there." I asked if she saw him upstairs. She said "No, I saw him up in the sky by the sun," and she ran off. I was comforted knowing Jesus personally came for my baby.
Days later I woke up very angry and suddenly had the urge to talk to someone from church. We didn't belong to one. A certain church came to my mind and I grabbed my four month old son Brock and took off. I was surprised my family let me out of the house in the state I was in. I showed up bawling at this unsuspecting pastor's office. The secretary led me back to his office. He sat me down across from him knee to knee and listened. I blurted out that I just lost my son. He sat back in his chair and cocked his head and pointed at me and said, "Meckna?" How did this guy know my maiden name? I questioned how he knew that. He said that he was at Cash's service by accident. He had business there, and just happened to recognize someone from my family there. We believe it was no accident we met. I have since joined that church. It seems my house is bugged as every week's sermon seems to answer my mental hurdle for the week.
I have been going through a roller coaster of emotions, and have had weak and strong moments. Although I have always firmly believed in God, I was petrified of what Cash was feeling. Two months later, dumbly, someone said flip idly to me, "I believe in God, but what if there isn't a Heaven." That sent this emotional, spiritually uneducated girl off. I spent the next four days feeling terrible. All the things God showed me blurred, and all I could think of is what if there was no Heaven.
Days later we went to dinner at a friend's home. I didn't even want to go- I was so low. We went anyway, I wasn't in the door more than five minutes when her tiny five year old girl ran up to me and handed me this picture of Jesus waving at me from heaven. I burst into tears and hugged her. Apparently, this little girl made an announcement after lunch that she wanted to draw me a picture, so she asked her mom if she could go to her room and draw. Her mother thought the picture was going to hurt my feelings, and she didn't want to give it to me. The strangest thing is this mother was a new ager, totally not convinced of God. Absolutely didn't discuss God with her kids. Since this time her young daughter told her mom that she has seen Heaven, that she can't wait to go there, and that Jesus is her favorite "human". Of course, that family has changed their views. God is faithful to those who seek him. I am a kid lover, and God knows how to talk to me, through children that I love so much. Heaven will never be questioned again.
My faith could not be stronger now. God and I are very close now, and he is carrying a huge part of my pain. I asked him to because I couldn't function with that knife in my heart. I told him I wasn't strong enough to carry that load and he is helping me. It is amazing to me the huge signs and people He has sent my way. My family has grown from leaps and bounds since we have lost our precious baby. My older kids even pray before they eat a candy bar, it is adorable. It took me months to shake my childhood Catholic upbringing, which is why I stopped going to church when I was young. Our loving Jesus is about grace and love and mercy. He has taken my old hard and broken heart and replaced it with His soft and graceful one.
I was never a bad person, but I could be unforgiving and stubborn. I feel like I have spent the last 9 months in a personal Jesus training camp. I am still not buying into tough religious standards. The gospel of grace doesn't stop the minute you are born again. Now I forgive because Jesus forgives me. I look at the hard to love differently now- because I know Jesus loves them as much as he loves me. I am better for knowing Him. I believed in Him before- but now I know Him! Daily I feel an internal pull just sit down and have a few extra minutes with Him; I never knew we could actually have a personal relationship with God.
I will admit I wonder why God would go to these extremes to comfort me, but allow my baby to be taken. Death and disease knows no age, or race, or good or bad. If that were true, all the bad people would be gone, and only good would be on earth. No, death is not a punishment. Death is a result of the fall of man from Gods' gift of free will. God holds the keys to life and death, but He saves the faithful when they pass through during death. I believe He cries with us and wants us to ask for His help and comfort. I am honored and surprised at Gods' love for me and my family. I now know He loves us all this much, He just wants us to love him back, and to talk to Him. He doesn't expect us to be perfect, look at the love He showed me, and I am far from it. Jesus wants us to believe in Him, he misses us, and he wants a personal relationship with us. Don't just recite off prayers to him; talk to him. Ask Him for help in your sorrows, and thank Him for your good times too. I will never neglect His love again; and I thank Him daily for taking care of my Baby Cash. He truly gives eternal life; I have a picture of Him waving from Heaven to prove it!
Do you know what Sophie said He said to her? She said that he told her "He would bring everybody's babies back!" I do believe he is coming soon!
What a great God we have!!