Defense Mechanisms:
Why & How We Block Intimacy
By Junior deSouza
Authentic Connection
What is intimacy?
Intimacy is the meaningful and fulfilling
connection between two or more authentic selves. Vulnerability and trust are
assumed, since the authentic self is essentially and perpetually vulnerable,
needing assurance of safety for expression. Intimacy is when the real Me meets
the real You in a moment of trusting, soulical intercourse.
Just as intimacy can happen between people,
it can also happen with God. In our relationship with Him, we enjoy intimacy
when our truest self is presented regularly in His presence--the good, the bad,
and everything in between. When the deepest Me approaches Him, the deepest Him
can reciprocate and sweep over me (Ps 42:7); I become one with His heart and
soul, beyond His deeds, gifts, and Lordship.
Why do we block intimacy?
Intimacy blocking is when a person employs
certain behaviors to fend off potential intruders to their heart and soul.
These behaviors are commonly referred to as defense mechanisms, or simply defenses.
We'll get to them in a sec. In general, we block intimacy for four reasons.
Fear of buried pain Those
with unresolved, buried emotional pain are terrorized at the thought of ever
reliving that pain. The greater the trauma, the greater the buried pain, the
greater the fear of that pain. Consequently, they block persons, interactions,
or scenarios whereby that pain might be triggered and relived.
Fear of judgment Who likes to
be judged, criticized, or picked apart? No one. Some personality types and
maturity levels can absorb or deflect it better than others, but nonetheless it
is not desirable or good (Mt 7:1-5). Some block intimacy when they anticipate
judgmentalism.
Fear of ridicule Affirmation
is a basic need. Unfortunately, many grew up in families where validation was
scarce and shame was abundant. These wounded souls tend to shut down if they
sniff out potential shame, canceling all meaningful self-expressions. Who wants
to let their true self out, only to be laughed at, belittled, or ridiculed?
Saul hid himself at his kingly proclamation for this reason (1Sam 10:21,22),
which ended up happening anyway just as he feared (v27).
Fear
of rejection Just as we need appropriate doses of affirmation, so also we
need a social niche in a group or community, or acceptance. Some block intimacy
for fear that their self-expressions would cause them to be disenfranchised, or
rejected, by the very group they seek identification with.
Defense Mechanisms
How do we block intimacy?
Defense mechanisms are behaviors people
employ to fend off potential intruders to their heart and soul. All of us, at
one time or another, for one reason or another, have used these barriers.
However, as God continues to heal us emotionally, free us from the fear of man,
and purify our overall personality, defenses should become less and less
important. Keep in mind also, these defenses are, at times, erected subconsciously;
we might not realize when or how much we depend on them until a moment of
clarification dawns on us. May this be our moment.
Marketing accomplishments
Some divert attention away from their heart and soul by marketing their
accomplishments. In other words, they continually spotlight their successes,
victories, and achievements in their conversations and interactions with
others. This is a form of "putting your best foot forward". In a job
interview that might be okay, but not so with loved ones or the Lord who need
us to be deeper and broader than our successes. The needy and naïve are often
impressed by such self-promotion; the stable are bothered by it and spurn it as
bragging; the emotionally whole and spiritually discerning perceive the defense
mechanism for what it is.
Playing
to strengths Some play to personal strengths, such as talent, beauty,
heritage, wealth, and so on. This is slightly different from
accomplishment-marketing in that playing to strengths spotlights what one has,
while the former spotlights what one has done. This is also a form of
"putting your best foot forward". Again, this might be okay in a job
interview, but not for intimate relationships that require a comprehensive
self-presentation.
Anger How well does this
work? Very. Occasional rage, a violent explosion here and there, an aggressive
tone, a seething irritability, a tense face, quick movements...who wants to
mess with that? Anger is certainly among the most successful defense
mechanisms. It begins to crumble though, when one comes along unmoved and
unbothered by such childish temper tantrums.
Staying busy Martha avoided intimacy with
Jesus by staying busy (Lk 10:38-42). Extreme busyness, being always on the go,
and hyperactivity are defensive schemes to keep meaningful connections at bay.
Who can be close--truly close--to a person who won't slow down enough to bond?
This is true of both our relationship with people and the Lord (Ps 46:10).
Intellectual garble At times,
the head can be the enemy of the heart. Some, especially the intelligent,
barricade themselves from intimacy by being a "talking head". They
use intellectual garble, rhetoric, and diversions to avoid raw emotional
vulnerability and bonding.
"Parenting" Parents do not share
full intimacy with their kids. The mental and social gap created by the age
difference is simply too great. Similarly, adults who play the
"Parent" role with other adults also maintain such a distance. Those
who arbitrarily and continuously seek to parent, pastor, and patronize those
around them do so as a defense mechanism. Their conscious and subconscious
logic goes something like this: If I'm your parent I don't have to relate with
you heart-to-heart, soul-to-soul...because I'm your parent remember? The Parent
game is simply another intimacy blocker.
Superspiritualism
Hyperindependence
Codependence
Precious
Lord and Father, we identify our fearful defenses, we repent of them and ask your
forgiveness, and we ask for more grace to practice better, biblical ways of
responding to our emotional needs and crises. In Jesus name, Amen.
Defenses vs Boundaries
Guarding Our Hearts
Proverbs 4:23 tells us, Above all else,
guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Solomon is not urging us to be defensive or
nonintimate, but to have wise personal boundaries that others cannot trespass.
The opposite of defensive is permissive. Swinging to a permissive extreme makes
us vulnerable to the wrong people, at the wrong time, in the wrong way. Psalm
48:12,13 tell us the city of
We establish boundaries through selectivity
in four areas: talk, time, touch, and tangibles. We are to be selective with
our talk, the type of personal information we share with others (Ps 141:3, Pr
13:3, 18:6,7). We are to be selective with our time, carefully predetermining
and administrating the time we spend with certain persons and in certain places
(Ps 101, Pr 12:26, 22:5). We are to be selective with our touch, monitoring
with whom, when, and how we experience physical contact with others (1Sam
20:41, SS 2:7, 1Th 4:3-6, 1Ti 5:2). We are to be selective with our tangibles,
screening who, when, and how our belongings are shared with others (Ezr 8:21,
Job 5:24, Pr 12:27 NIV).
Lifelong Intimacy
God desires that we enjoy lifelong intimacy
with others. This is done by understanding intimacy as four "right"
connections.
Connecting with the right people There is a
type of person that is ideal for intimacy (Ps 101). We should all seek to be
that person, and we should all pray for these persons to be sent or cultivated
for us. This type of person is, for the most part, nondefensive; they are
willing and wanting to emerge from their fortress to share their soul with
someone. This type of person understands boundaries; they are willing to
maintain limits around their talk, time, touch, and tangibles so that any
blossoming intimacy would be safeguarded. Most of all, this person is intimate
with their First Love (Rev 2:4); intimacy with Jesus is the foundation and
schooling for all human relationships (Mt 7:24-27).
Connecting for the right reasons Intimacy is
the equal giving and receiving of authentic selves, giving being the beginning
and the basis (Ro 12:10, 1Co 13:5, Php 2:3,4). Those who approach relationships
to receive first do not have an intimacy mentality. Connecting for the right
reasons means giving first, receiving last. Relationships implode or explode
when one or both persons put receiving first.
Connecting at the right times Intimacy is an
opportunist--it can be heightened and microwaved at certain times. Victories,
crises, and change are golden opportunities to connect profoundly (1Sam 20, Ro
12:15). More energy, thought, and prayer should be exerted in these times.
Connect at the right times.
Connecting in the right ways People have
different love deficits, based on past experiences. People have different love
preferences, based on their personality and calling. Sensitivity and observation
will reveal these. Connecting in the right ways means customizing love so that
deficits are healed and preferences are satisfied (Eph 4:29, Php 2:4).