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Recently I've been struck, like a two-by-four, by the loss of dreams. It seems we all have lost dreams. I've lost some dreams that I thought were givens. The biggest being my "'til death do us part" marriage.Lately my dream of a happily-ever-after seems a bit out of reach as well. I've realized that this life, this single mom life, doesn't end up happily ever after very easily. I think I have secretly, and sometimes not-so-secretly, been hoping for my prince charming to come on the scene. I don't think he's coming any time soon, and honestly, after some of the things people have shared with me about stepfamilies, maybe that's a good thing right now. Nonetheless, it breaks my heart.
I long to be married again - for a partner in this life and for a stepfather who loves my children with abandon. I know that apart from God that is unlikely. I don't just have baggage, I have a storage unit. I think it just hit me that even if someone decided to join our chaos, it would be very challenging and not happily-ever-after from the start. I was hoping for a rescue, dang it!
I sat down today in tears thinking about what I want and how far away it seems. And I felt the injustice of my ex-husband being remarried. I can't simply marry for me; I have to marry for 6. Please know that I wouldn't have it any other way - sometimes it just doesn't seem fair. (I sound like my 5-year-old.)
God Says He is Enough and I Believe Him
I will tell you, immediately following that thought, God got all up in my face. He reminded me that I have HIM. And, truly, really, Jesus is so much better than anyone or anything else. Why do I forget that so easily? Well, I know one reason, because He isn't flesh and blood standing next to me with his arm on my shoulder...but God says He is enough and I believe Him.
It's like I can tell everyone that I trust God - that He is enough - but then I have a disappointing day or a sorrowful moment of reminder, and I spiral down. I forget that His grace is sufficient. I forget that this life is about me knowing, loving and glorifying Him. God forgive me, I want more.
I want someone who loves me with hugs and kisses and looks. I want romance, love and companionship. I pray that the Lord will give me grace to see beyond the challenges, beyond the sadness, beyond the brokenness to His unfailing love, His faithfulness, and His healing.
A Savior Who Loves with Abandon
I'm determined that even though there will be moments when I long for what I'm missing, there will be more moments when I remember what I have. I have five wonderful children who I love with abandon.
I have a Savior who loves me with abandon - to death on the cross and back again. I have a life to live and I can still dream big dreams because I have a big God. With God all things are possible - whether that's a godly man joining our family, or me knowing that happily ever after is a given because that's how God planned it.
Sue Birdseye
