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I was preparing to speak at a major conference. I was expected to have a significant word of direction or wisdom, something for the nation that would equip people in their battles with the forces of darkness.

But I wasn't prepared. My mind was a million miles away. Because of a combination of situations, I was anxious, worried, and apprehensive. I felt frantic and panicked to the point of emotional paralysis. In that state, I did not care what happened to the nation; I was consumed with finding some way through my own maze of tangled, strangling thoughts. I could not find my way out of being absolutely shut up and shut down in the valley of despair.

Things only got worse. The more I tried to think about what I was going to say at this conference, the more my mind locked up and my emotions went haywire. My chest felt as if there were tight bands around it. My brain felt like it was going to explode and splatter against the wall. The more I tried to get myself under control, the more I found myself out of control.

I Tried Everything.

I read the Bible to myself, silently at first, then aloud, and using every translation I had. That didn't seem to work.

I began to sing every praise song I could think of. I sang hymns. I put worship music in my CD player and turned up the volume so high that it rocked the house. I love music and music usually works, but not this time. I only got more aggravated, more annoyed, more irritated, and ultimately more hopeless.

I prayed silently. I prayed out loud. Then I just prayed really loud-so loud that I think my neighbors could probably hear me with both their windows and mine closed. I prayed in English. I prayed in the Spirit. None of that worked.

So I tried kneeling down. I hadn't knelt down to pray in a long time. I usually stood or walked around. I thought that if I knelt down, maybe God would see how intent I was to reach Him and how desperately I needed to break through the war that was gripping me. It still didn't seem to help.

Then I stood back up. I paced. I knelt again. I yelled, "Help!" None of it worked.

My mind searched desperately for something that would bring a breakthrough. I thought maybe it was because of sin. Had I committed some sin I wasn't aware of? Was God hiding from me because of it? I asked God if I had disappointed Him in some area of my life. The next thing I knew, a horde of facts descended on me, condemning me. It felt as if all of hell had moved in to keep me company. In fact the horde even crawled in bed with me so that I could not sleep.

God is Uncovering

Now I was in an even greater emotional mess that I had been in the first place. On top of the already difficult situation, I had just piled on a mountain of self-accusations. I was buried under all of the reasons I would never move forward. I might as well have called and asked the local garbage company to come and dump their week's worth of garbage on my front lawn because it was there already-invisible to others, but not to me.

I realized that my mind was in such a state that I could only perceive the negative. In fact, I was displaying an amazing ability to turn any positive into a negative, almost instantly. This was suspicious. Finally I began to realize that I was up against something. What was that something? At that point, I recognized my Goliath.

(The above is taken from my book, Taking on Goliath, p. 15-17)

Have you awakened with a Goliath that you have not yet recognized? I declare that God is uncovering that which has set itself against you and delivering the key of victory to you.

And do not [for a moment] be frightened or intimidated in anything by your opponents and adversaries, for such [constancy and fearlessness] will be a clear sign (proof and seal) to them of [their impending] destruction, but [a sure token and evidence] of your deliverance and salvation, and that from God.For you have been granted [the privilege] for Christ's sake not only to believe in (adhere to, rely on, and trust in) Him, but also to suffer in His behalf. So you are engaged in the same conflict which you saw me [wage] and which you now hear to be mine [still]. (Philippians 1:28-30)

Barbara Yoder

www.shekinahchurch.org

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